The Pain of Being Rejected

This is my very first post – age 31/F. I contracted gHSV-1 by receiving oral sex almost 4 years ago. That partner left me after 2 years of treating me like crap. I stayed because I did not think anyone else would want me with HSV. I felt so alone when he left.

I recently started dating a friend who I have known for a little over a year. We have many things in common and the chemistry between us is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I disclosed my condition after I felt he was serious about us. I was surprised that his reaction was very understanding and calm. I told him about how suppressive therapy, condom use, and avoiding breakouts could minimize risk to almost nothing (1%). He acted like it was fine and was very empathetic to my situation. We even got a bit sexual afterwards in the bedroom (no intercourse).

He had a day to google everything about HSV and then came back to me basically saying that it was a deal breaker and that he could not risk catching it from me, even if the chances (with condoms and drugs) were very very low.

All day I have been crying. He is someone I really respect. He is intelligent, educated, and very respectful/gentlemanly. He has said on MANY occasions how amazing he thinks I am. If HE is not willing to accept me with HSV, who the hell will?? I am not mad at him for rejecting me. I completely understand his perspective. I am just mad at myself for attempting to find love. I realize now that I do not have the right to do that. I don’t have the right to ask someone to risk contracting this for me. The sum of everything that I am is not enough to outweigh HSV.

I feel so defeated, sad, and very very alone. None of my friends or family know about this, so I am forced to cry and suffer about this in silence, by myself. I don’t take rejection or abandonment well. Although he is right to toss me aside, that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel like the only person in the world with this problem. All of my friends are in happy healthy joyful relationships and look at me wondering why I am still single. They don’t know how broken I really am.

Does anyone have any advice to offer on this? What were your experiences?

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